In Which I Discover Unheard of Musculature
Oct 18th
I started doing the Couch to 5K iPhone app thing. I’ve surprised myself because I said I would never run. I’m not a good runner, and never have been, but the Couch to 5K app is very cool. I’m doing intervals – 90 seconds walking, 60 seconds running. There are three trainers on there, one of whom is a screaming army sergeant – I haven’t used him yet. I live near the lake so I go do my intervals down there. I have had to take a break because I got a head cold, which has settled a bit into my chest so once that’s over, I’ll start back on it.
After my first two sessions, I thought I had major foot problems. Then they didn’t reappear. After that, my hips hurt. Seems like every time I do it, something different hurts, so I don’t tend to take those complaints seriously now. What I notice and like very much is that every time I do it, I’ve run a bit further and faster. The app on my iPhone measures my speed and distance and keeps a log. Every day I do it, and at the end I think, “Oh that sucked. I was slow” and I check the log and I’ve done better. It’s really motivating.
Also, I found a Low Contact Roller Derby League and there is a team a town over. I asked if I could attend their next practice and they are excited about “fresh meat”. I got a used pair of speed skates. I haven’t roller skated since I was about 13 or 14. I had gotten rather good at it, and was a bit of a rink rat in 1983. I was skating up and down my main hall yesterday and I am like a baby giraffe on roller skates. And roller skating uses different muscles than running, I realized that immediately. Anyway, I’ve still got to get my gear (knee, elbow, wrist pads and a helmet) and then I’m hitting the practice track. I don’t want to do competitive stuff because I just can’t afford to break a wrist or lose a finger on the track. Low Contact offers all the fun and none of the injuries so I’m very excited about it.
I have butt muscles. I expect to be able to crack walnuts with them by Christmas time.
At Home Having a Vacation/ADD/Sick Day
Sep 22nd
I’m at home, drinking coffee. I’ve started back to school and I’ve got a fairly decent workload, what with my Status of Women Committee, my Political Science and my Canadian Lit classes. I took a couple of vacation days from work because I have a mild virus – sore throat, minutely swollen glands. Enough to be irritating but not enough to lay me out flat. A couple of my workers have it, and they are much sicker than I am – so I am at least happy to know that my immune system puts up a valiant fight when I help it with green tea, Vitamin C and tons of water and naps.
I have a poli sci assignment. I’m to assess the provincial election – which I do find interesting. I’m having a bit of an ADD morning though, watching some political action roll out in Wall Street. I must admit, I am always fascinated and moved when people come together for common good. Not much has been made of the #occupywallstreet movement in the mainstream media but The Guardian UK has an article about it, and Stephen Colbert mentioned it on his show last night. Michael Moore briefly mentioned it on the Rachel Maddow show, saying if it was the Tea Party doing that, the media would be drooling all over it.
Since I’m feeling slightly under the weather, I’ve sort of given myself permission to have one day where I’m just going to do whatever. If I feel like looking at Anonymous websites, I’ll do so. If I feel like doing laundry, I’ll do that. It’s a free for all kind of day and so far, I’m liking it.
Oh, I found this tidbit on Twitter and liked it enough I thought I’d share:
When Is It Okay to Defend Yourself?
Sep 15th
People are mean. It’s just a fact. Some are nicer than others, but on the whole, humans are mean. Just pick up a newspaper if you don’t believe me. And don’t read the Lifestyle section, read the front page!
I’m reading this book, When The Body Says No, by Gabor Mate M.D. and he talks about how studies have been done in cancer patients. I think he said something like 40% of cancer patients had abusive childhoods, or had parents who were neglectful of their feelings/spirit. How many cancer patients neglect their own needs because they don’t want to upset the family. He talks about stress hormones (cortisol) and how they are involved with autoimmune disease. Obviously, I don’t have time to explain the whole thing here, but he makes a good case for the connection between stress and disease.
In the rooms of AA and/or NA, there is a great emphasis on not ever getting angry. Of turning the other cheek. Of letting go and forgiving. I think, like capitalism, it’s a system that looks good on paper, but when put into practice, gets kind of fucked up. In my city this week, a boy killed himself because he was bullied at school. The parents are openly talking about what it was like for him, a boy, with OCD and Tourette’s, to go to high school. Some kids have been quoted about his daily torments, physical and mental. The school is not saying a word and is probably fearing a lawsuit. My partner’s grandson is in high school, and a video went around Facebook and Youtube of him getting his head kicked in – in a school hallway. His skull was fractured. The bully remains at the school and the grandson has gone to live in a rural area with grandparents. Nothing has been done.
When me and my brother were kids, my brother was bullied. It seems like it was a daily thing. I remember groups of boys chasing him down the street and pounding on him. One summer at the cottage, my cousins were there and they were bothering my brother. My mother told him to defend himself. She said, and I quote, “Don’t hurt them too much, just let them know who is boss.” And he did. And that was the end of that.
It’s not that I don’t think forgiveness isn’t a wonderful virtue. I just can’t help think that when it’s misapplied, it’s ineffective, and could possibly have grave consequences, such as the suicidal bullied kid, or the cancer patient who can’t tell his family he doesn’t have the guts to go through chemo again. I have not always defended myself when attacked, thinking it was the better approach. But damn, Skippy, after the year I’ve had, you better believe I’m going to take my mother’s advice.
Once You Know
Sep 9th
I went to a friend’s 17 year celebration last night in another town, in NA. There were a few of us women from my town there. The group of us is fractured for various hurts and slights from years ago. My friend asked me to chair the meeting, so I had a bird’s eye view of the room, of who was sitting where, and who was ignoring who. There’s a woman who I used to hang out with all the time with. We were inseparable. We went everywhere together. We took long motorcycle rides in the Niagara area, explored, laughed, and had fun. Her mother developed cancer. They lived in a rural area, and I was not far from the urban cancer centre her mother was in, so I would go over and take her out for walks and to smoke. (Smoke! Yikes. I had to look at whether I was enabling – then the mother said she already had lung cancer so what the hell.) Her mother died. I went to the house that day to help out, make food, try to comfort and be with people, or just be there to do whatever needed to be done. I was at the funeral.
Months later, this friend started college, and making new friends. I’d try to make contact to arrange a get together and would get responses about how she’d rather be with her college friends but if those plans fell through, we could maybe do something. I was put on a back burner and I did not respond gracefully. There was a shirty email. After cooling off, I tried to contact via email and through friends, but received no response at all. I got the message. We were out of touch for several years, until last night.
She came in late while I was chairing and the only seat left in the little crowded room was in the front row. Right directly in front of me. I had to laugh at God, doing this to us. After the year I’ve had, I’ve made a promise to myself to not try to be with strange, uncomfortable, unwelcoming, people. There’s a phrase in the Desiderata that says to avoid “vexatious people” and I think that’s a good term. It’s not that I think she’s vexatious overall. I know that I still care for her and my memories of our friendship are wonderful and touching. I just think that sometimes you just can’t go home again. I promised myself not to do any “friend chasing” (I think this is why I keep running up against extreme narcissists – I have a “i’d really like a friend” scent about me.) So during the break she approached and we had a long warm hug. We caught up briefly about work, school, partners and whatnot. And then I got drawn back into the business of chairing a meeting. At the end, I ate some cake, did the social thing, and quietly slipped out.
I don’t think God had her sit in the front row so that I could grovel at her feet, ask for her number, try to arrange a friend-date. I think it was so that I could see that I’ve changed a lot. Maybe it was for her to notice changes in herself too – but that’s not for me to know or speculate about. There were four women in the room that I spent a lot of time with in my early recovery. The celebrant was my sponsor, who admitted when she got up that she never worked the steps and had no sponsor. She let me go as a sponsee when I got to step four, and I did my fifth with the friend with the dying mother. We were tight. It’s funny, in the rooms, you get really nostalgic for the people who you drank all that coffee with. You may have outgrown them, and wish to return to what once was, but as my distant friend always said, “Once you know, you can’t not know.” 
AA on Second Life
Aug 30th
Did you know that you can attend AA meetings on Second Life? I haven’t been to one in awhile, but last year, when I was fairly sick during the autumn, I did go to quite a few of the AA meetings on Second Life. It’s a bit different from the chat room experience, as you have a video interface and people’s avatars to focus on when they are speaking. Some of the meetings are voice chat, and some are text based. I’ve been in meetings that had both. I snapped this picture of one of the meeting rooms while it was empty. (You are breaking traditions if you take a photo when people are there.) Many of the meeting rooms are in such great places, near the sea where you can hear the ocean, or in warm cozy rooms with fire places. Many have the Big Book available to read, and you can even contribute to the 7th tradition. It’s gonna sound weird, but when I couldn’t get out much, I found this to be a really good alternative. If you’d like to try it some time but don’t know much about Second Life, leave me a message in the comments, and we can figure out a way to meet in a Second Life.
Gifts for the Invalid
Aug 25th
Yesterday was full of surprises. One of my coworkers dropped by, and gave me a gift. It’s a painting, a limited edition print. It just so suits my little beach house living room, I am just thrilled. It’s called, “Can’t I Help?” and it’s by Alaskan artist Dot Bardarson.
I went out to my first meeting since my surgery, to my new AA home group. It was really a great meeting, and rather large. I was the only woman there until my two fellow home group women friends showed up. I brought cookies, but didn’t eat any. Upon returning home, my neighbour came over to tell me that something had been delivered and left for me at her house. She brought over a beautiful orchid, which my boss had sent over. It’s gorgeous. This picture was taken with my iPhone and doesn’t do it justice.
In our meeting last night, we read Step 8 out of the Twelve and Twelve, and then shared on it. I talked about how I was grateful that the steps were in the order that they were in, because if I had to go from Step One to Step 8 without any work on developing a relationship with a higher power, and also with myself, the results could have been devastating. I also expressed gratitude for how Step 8 has equipped me to better work on the relationships in my life. I am able to practice restraint in my life, and not voice every awful thought that comes into my head. I used to be so codependently sick that I couldn’t see that other people didn’t make me behave the way I did. My actions were mine, and mine alone.
It’s interesting the way addicts claim that other people make them behave the way they do. Having recently been held for someone else’s temper tantrums and poor behaviour, I can see that it does make those who have an addict/alcoholic in their life get angered, and feel defensive. How could you not? How utterly fatiguing and irritating. My only choice, feeling feeble, sick and weak, was to completely close the person out of my life.
I am pretty much unable to maintain any kind of relationship with narcissistic and/or abusive people. I grew up with two parents who had (and to some extent still do have) these attributes. I got a great deal of practice in setting boundaries with truly unreasonable people. I still have them in my life, but it is on my terms. I moved to another city, and they only visit when invited. I rarely go to their house, as I can barely stand to be in the home I grew up in. Admittedly, I have some attachment issues, which is sometimes a help and sometimes a hindrance. I enjoy my friendships with people, and try to treat them well. Some (most) of the people I’ve met in the rooms are not very good at impulse control, which makes for a lot of conflict. I do try to give the benefit of the doubt, but when I’m met with sentiments like “you make me treat you this way”, I am not likely at all to continue to keep the Welcome Mat out. I guess Christians say that you should “turn the other cheek”. I thought that meant that Christian ideology prescribes doormatism when you come up against abuse. Now, I think maybe it means that you don’t have to continue to take it, but do no harm in return. Which is much easier said that done. I don’t know, I’m not a Christian. All I know is that when faced with other people’s bullshit, I no longer have to run away, nor do I have to duke it out with them. I can just stop.
Gratitude
Aug 23rd
First off, I want to say that I edited my blog entry yesterday because it was far too detailed. I was hurt and angry, and venting my spleen. The details weren’t necessary. I should have focussed on my feelings, rather than a list of wrongs done to me. So … I guess I’m apologizing for that.
Secondly, a list of what I’m grateful for:
- My home
- My partner, who has been very good to me while I’ve been recuperating
- My friend E, who left a message of good will and good health for me last night
- My pets, Hannah the cat, and Rudy the Rabbit
- My sponsor, K, who tells it like it is
- The Producers of Mad Men. I’ve rented the DVD’s and am catching up while I’m off work. Endlessly clever and pretty TV. Rare these days! LOL
- My neighbours, and the community I live in. They are fantastic!
So, that’s me for today. I’m fooling around on Twitter today, watching some more Mad Men, and listening to speakers on intherooms.com – speaking of which, is a wonderful recovery resource. Enjoy your day!
When People Kick You When You’re Down
Aug 22nd
A week ago, I ended up in the hospital having an acute gall bladder attack, complicated by impending pancreatitis and elevated liver enzymes. I went into the hospital on Sunday night, and by Monday afternoon, had sent a few emails from my iPhone to let people know where I was, what was going on with me. Oddly enough, I only got voice mail at work and from friends, so I opted to send email instead.
I had emergency surgery early Tuesday morning.
I had seen other people on my floor be discharged, usually after dinner. I asked several different nurses about when they thought I could go. They said probably Wednesday evening. I still had no bowel sounds when I was asking, and had difficulty walking.
Wednesday morning, 4AM: I was wakened by my roommate, who was in a considerable amount of pain. She constantly had nurses in the room, and often argued with them about what pain medication she thought she ought to be taking. Lights were on. Sleep was out of the question. I read a magazine. Around 6 AM, I asked a nurse if I could try going downstairs to the main floor to get a decent cup of coffee. I had already learned the day before that if you get queasy mid-walk, you can just barf into a garbage can. She agreed. Off I went, bought myself a giant coffee (which took about four hours to drink!), and a copy of the Globe and Mail. I was in heaven!
Wednesday morning, 8AM: My breakfast was brought to me. I’d already been up since 4 AM, and had eaten relatively little food since noon on Sunday. I tore into the sawdust muffin and the Cheerios. I ponder how I’m going to get some sleep during the day when a nurse comes by and tells me I can go home, the doctor has given the go ahead. Plans are made for going home, IV is removed, Mr Shanachie is summoned, and prescriptions are given to me, along with a follow up appointment note.
Mr Shanachie delivers me to my home, directly to the couch, makes me coffee, and heads out to run errands, fill prescriptions, etc. I sleep all day. I wake up in the evening, have some soup and am resting when there is a knock at the door. Someone in the NA program felt the need to come down and personally attack me via my partner, and then went home and sent a barrage of emails.
I’ve blocked the person from emailing me and on social media websites. This person is trying to make me responsible for their issues, and for their poor control of their own behaviour and I’m not having any of it anymore.
I found this on another recovery blog, Don’t Drink and Don’t Die:
When we had taken the opposite tack and had insisted, like infants ourselves, that people protect and take care of us or that the world owed us a living, then the result had been equally unfortunate. This often caused the people we had loved most to push us aside or perhaps desert us entirely. Our disillusionment had been hard to bear. We couldn’t imagine people acting that way toward us. We had failed to see that though adult in years we were still behaving childishly, trying to turn everybody–friends, wives, husbands, even the world itself–into protective parents. We had refused to learn the very hard lesson that overdependence upon people is unsuccessful because all people are fallible, and even the best of them will sometimes let us down, especially when our demands for attention become unreasonable.
I’m not sure which AA book this is from, possibly the 12 & 12, in the section on Step 10? Does anyone know? I think I need some more AA literature. In any case, I’ve joined an AA step group in my area (actually joined it a couple of weeks ago, but then had missed a meeting due to a gall bladder attack, and then the following one due to the surgery.) I feel that I have closed a chapter in my life on NA. I feel like my experiences there in the last year have borne me a lot of grief. I am tired of people who outright refuse to practice the principle of restraint.
Workaholism
Aug 10th
Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else?
Sometimes I do. I put a lot of outrage and passion into my work.
Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can’t?
Yes, I’m having one of those times where I can’t.
Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
Not exactly, but my partner has said, when we’re out, “You stop getting paid at 4:30. Why are you still working in your head?”
Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
It’s funny, once I do something else, I realize how enjoyable other things are, and how stressed I get at work and how unfun it is. But I don’t notice that until I do something that actually IS a great deal of fun. And it has to be out of the ordinary, like a trip to a waterslide park, or something really engaging and freeing.
Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
No, but it’s because I can’t claim OT. This year I have started early and worked late, but I took lieu time off.
Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
Hell No.
Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts?
Yes, and again, an outsider has pointed out that I care more about a project than my manager, or anyone else in my office.
Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?
I’m never late for anything. Okay, *almost* never. But seriously, I’m totally anal about punctuality. I have given sponsees and friends hell for making me wait.
Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won’t otherwise get done?
Yes. I have a couple of clients, that due to their scope, should belong to my coworker. The clients prefer to continue to contact me for work, and I let them.
Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it?
Not really. Maybe when it comes to my school work.
Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
I think that balance is very very important. Social life (outside work) is incredibly important.
Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
Uh … yes, actually. I think that some of that impatience may have even leaked onto this blog. Yikes.
Are you afraid that if you don’t work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
The fear underlying all things, the driving force to the Shanachie, is that I will once again be rendered homeless. I spent some time as a teen and in my twenties being homeless, so it creates some impulse/compulsion problems as far as money and work goes. Even when I see that nobody works like I do, I cannot stop.
Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well?
Yes. I have a pretty safe, stable job. I constantly watch the news to see how others in the same field are being impacted by the economy and the stupid neoconservatives. (Oops. my bias is showing!)
Do you do things energetically and competitively including play?
I’m actually not very competitive *with others*. I don’t like team sports, I like solitary ones like swimming, where I have to continuously improve my own performance. I don’t like to measure against others. In school, I dislike comparing grades. Anything less than a B is insulting, and requires … frenzy.
Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else?
Yes. I worked in a call centre and the constant changing of my focus drove me nuts. I probably have ADD. I don’t have interruptions as much anymore.
Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?
No. Well, maybe. They don’t say anything. I’m not sure.
Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?
Sometimes. Not often.
Do you work or read during meals?
Yes.
Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?
In my head, no, I don’t believe that. But the compulsion tells me otherwise.
So there’s one meeting a month (!) in Toronto.
I’m thinking about it.
